Like a delicate flower...

Every so often here at work we have run-in's with some rather unkind characters. In order to make ourselves feel better about the nasty folk we have to interact with, we do things like this :


This woman in particular can not stand any one of us in research. I have compiled a list of her evil qualities in an easy to read picture format so that the average person can be made aware if someone they know and can't stand begins to exhibit these same unflattering qualities, including (but not limited to) the evil bone chilling glare, the affection for any man in uniform, and the thought that she is a hot mama and her patients will be over the moon to have her as the person in charge of their life.

And one cannot forget the frizz inducing hair bleach.

Please. Don't let yourself become a victim of Carmen Hostility Syndrome.

One way to instill humility

Growing up, my parents instilled rather strict christian moral values in my brothers and I. I would like to think that I still hold most of these morals near and dear my heart, but look folks I am nearly 28. I have been married before. (Gasp! I know! Worse than my decision to buy a second blue Dodge Neon!) I had put a couple of not so great relationships under my belt before I met the more-awesome-than-he-lets-on Mr. Hot Pilot and my world was once again turned upright.

Now Mr. Hot Pilot and I share the same christian values and enjoy doing things the right way in order to ensure that we don't fall into the same craptacular rat hole that we both ended up in with our first marriages - i.e - he with the world's craziest blonde chick and I with the world's least self motivated guy. Let me tell you, he and I would forgo a rockin' honeymoon if it meant eternal peace, sunshine and not the slightest chance of a mental breakdown.

So I didn't think much of it the other day while I was at my annual chick appointment and my doc asked if it was ok for her to leave a message on my machine regarding my results. Of course I didn't care, and I went on my merry way.

Imagine my shock and surprise when I was sitting at the computer the other night and my mother went to play the messages in the voicemail, and I heard the cheery voice of my doc. "Hi there, just wanted to let you know everything is negative, and your pregnancy test was negative. Hope you have a great day!".

I began yelling "Oh my God! I know I'm not pregnant for crying out loud! It was just routine! Oh God! I already know I'm not because I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!".

Funny how even at 27 one phone call from the doc can entice such a feeling of utter humiliation.

She's craf-tay!

This past week I have decided to try and save some money by creating my own christmas ornaments. I ended up spending nearly $200 on supplies. I really don't believe that Dave Ramsey would be proud of my attempt at saving money as I pretty much failed miserably. Despite my money saving efforts, I have saddled myself with several daunting projects. I'd like to consider myself somewhat crafty, but I often get either distracted or disinterested very quickly.

I have taken to painting wooden ornaments, painting wooden christmasy decorations, gluing paper strips to styrofoam balls and I even decided to fold oragami birds. I am finding the oragami to make my brain feel somewhat like mashed jello and am hoping maybe it is a good brain exercise which will keep me from the grips of alzheimers for maybe one extra year.

Little did I realize what a literal pain in the neck ornament painting would truly be. I woke up the next day with such a massive stiff neck I thought for sure I had meningitis. Until I realized it was nothing more than terrible posture which I'm sure my grandmother would chastise me for.

For tonight I am taking time off of my crafty ways and have come up with a new project I hope you will all enjoy : Really bad christmas lights. Christmas decor wrecks if you will. I will be scouring my local area each day at dusk for the most heinous acts of electrical expression in order to make each one of you feel just a little bit better about your decorating tastes.

Tonight I took the lazy way and found a picture online (as I learned the hard way that I should be taking these pictures at dusk and not under the blackened night sky whilst wearing my robber uniform of black clothes and panty hose over the face).

Enjoy tonights little christmas treasure and I will be bringing some of Marylands finest tomorrow.



(photo via Ugly Christmas Lights)

The forerunner of yellow light history

Remember back a bit when I mentioned the story of little Ana Christina who decided it would be lots of fun to draw my Munchkin peeing on the ground? Well, little miss psycho pants has struck again.

My days are never at a loss for hilarious awesomeness whenever I am down here with my Munchkin and Mr. Hot Pilot. Fart jokes, skunk smell, and other sorts of bathroom humor abound. Monday when Mr. Hot Pilot and I went to get our Munchkin from school, he produced yet another stapled together book with hand-drawn pictures done by all of his classmates. This time instead of a picture of Munckin peeing on the ground, there was a picture of Munchkin looking rather cheerful holding the leash to our cat Twinkle, standing right near the house. But this was no ordinary house you see. Miss Psycho Pants decided to draw a bomb on the house.

Believe me when I say that I laughed, but it was a nervous "holy crap, this kid is nuts!" laugh. Apparently neither Munchkin nor the teacher caught this little terrorist gesture or I believe this girl would be headed down red light lane with no hope of another green light for years to come.

The only piece of advice I could offer my dear, sweet, skunk smell loving Munchkin is this. (You see his daddy, my Hot Pilot was married to Munchkin's mother for some time - Munchkins not-exactly-sane, often delusional, verbally abusive, needs to be locked in a mental institution for a very long time very mentally unstable mother.)

"If you ever find yourself attracted to this girl down the line and want to marry her? Don't."

Emptied My SPAM Box and All I Got Was This Stupid Diet Pill

I am infinitely amused by the awesomness that crams my SPAM box. Thanks to Gmail, I don't have to sort through loads of crap in my regular email (save for the lovely "Fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:You are my grrrl and I love you!-NOW FORWARD THIS BACK lest you be plagued with a thousand and two nights of night sweats, three years of constipation, ten years of poor eyesight and three stray cats" from that old high school buddy you haven't seen in 12 years).

Of course today is Saturday which to me means time to clean out the SPAM box. Here are a few highlights from the subject lines of my SPAM:


Shake all you want and nothing will ever fall out. (Even if I shake it like a polaroid picture?)

Wiping good off the shelves (lord knows we don't want any good hanging around our shelves. That is just bad housekeeping!)

Don't let your tiny male problem grow into a disaster

Cindy McCain cheats her husband (what is even better about this one is that the sender? Says "me".)

No Surgery! Enhance your PE by simply taking our new preparation! (Not too sure what my "PE" is exactly...)

Abbey National Online Banking - Identity Update (because I wasn't really sure who I was. No worries, they will give me the scoop.)

Did you know your breath can calm you down? (And by calm you down we mean knock your butt out with its onion-tuna nastiness)

Don't forget your enhancers when going to the party (Lord knows you don't want the ladies thinking you are a wet noodle)

Acknowledged Scotch knows Bag the telephone (Really? Well LA-DI-Dah! (Name dropper))

A Maslercard invitation (Oh? Why I feel so priveledged. I had heard of Mastercard but Maslercard? Must be my lucky day!)

Your RESUME passed the contest and we suggest you work for our COMPANY (Yeah...I think I'll pass thanks.)

And of course my favorite:

Diarrhea : Best treatment options

Now its your turn. What kind of indescribable lunacy fills up your SPAM box?

Complete with tears of joy and prancing unicorns of justice

Because I have been a little bummed over the past couple of days following the election of Barack Obama as our next president, I decided to give myself a day off of my shopping moratorium and go and turn my hard earned money into things I really don't need at my local Target.

On my way there I was listening to the radio when I heard a report about a nudist group down in Florida that are pressing for a nude voting precinct in their area. Because that is super important and stuff.

My boyfriend and I have a long-standing debate over which state has the weirdest and scariest news stories occurring - his home state of Florida, or my home state of Maryland. So far I believe that I am winning by an Obama-esque landslide complete with tears of pride from people who are "finally proud of their country". (Excuse me while I go throw up a little)

So the news story goes like this:

"People at the upscale, clothing-optional Caliente Resorts off U.S. 41 want to establish the first clothing-optional polling place in the country. Most voters who live at Caliente exercise their rights at a nearby subdivision, where clothing isn't optional.

There's no concrete data on how many nudists live in the area, but state Sen. Victor Crist has estimated that Pasco County has 12,000 "nude votes."

The resort wants to make it easier for Caliente residents and members of the surrounding nudist community to vote, said Caliente spokeswoman Angye Fox."

(So I take it it is exponentially difficult for these nudists to throw on some clothes in order to go and vote...an action that takes place ONCE EVERY 2-4 YEARS.)

"State law wouldn't prohibit a clothing-optional polling station, said Jennifer Davis, a spokeswoman for the secretary of state's office.

"That would be up to the local supervisor," she said.

Corley has more pressing concerns these days, though – such as preparing for Tuesday's election."

Who do you think these clothing-avoidant folks voted for?

The 80's are back, just in time for the election!

I came across these gems while perusing ebay looking for crap that I don't need.

As of right now, Sarah Palin is fetching $9600 while that hot old man, Joe Biden, is only fetching $710. Imagine that!




Here is snazzy Joe Biden sporting his wannabe VP best :




And how could you make such cool dolls of the veeps and completely forget about the celebrity presidential hopeful Mr. Barry himself :




And last but certainly not least, here is Sen. McCain looking decidedly dapper and just about the best he has ever looked :



**Update - 11/8/08 - In case you were wondering (and you know you were) Mrs. Palin ended up going for around $19,000! That is freaking CRAZY. Also, all four dolls were won by the same person. Hmm...wonder if they are going to "spread the wealth" around maybe?**

Maybe kitten kicker was a bit much

When asked by a "youth" why Obama isn't the best choice, I told him "Because, Obama kicks kittens".

Ok. Maybe this was a bit much. Besides, my efforts were not even directed in the appropriate direction as this "youth" can't vote. As in he has about 10 more years until he can vote. Sigh.

Instead I should have sought out an on-the-fencer of appropriate voting age, and when asked "Why is Obama the most ridiculously wrong choice it is laughable not the best choice for America?" I should reply in this manner.

Because Obama will kick your bank account until it cracks open, spilling its wonderful contents, and then proceed to spread it around.

**It is sad that I have to say this, however if you are going to comment, I need you to identify yourself. Anonymous comments WILL NOT be accepted. If you have a strong enough opinion on what is going on, you should be proud to stand up and support your ideas no matter what they are. I am interested in opinions from all sides. Thanks! -Charm City Chica**