Keeping watch over the tarmac.

Today I fly back home to Maryland to fulfill my adult duties of work and other obligations. You see, I often fly down to TX every other week to visit Mr. Hot Pilot and Munchkin and remind Mr. Hot Pilot ad nauseum that my ring size is 5 and a half. And did he forget that he mentioned he wanted to marry me? Because there is no ring on my finger. And that lovely picture of the princess cut micro-pave you requested? I sure hope you have that image burned into your mind. And oh yeah, Mr. Hot Pilot? My ovaries are not getting any younger.

I usually will spend my time here in the airport people watching (because YIKES, there are some weirdos here!) and often tweeting about it on my twitter account. (You know you want to follow me). I decided for the sake of not missing a post for NaBloPoMo that I would just blog what I would normally text as tweets. Enjoy the wonkiness.

1:18 PM - Bought gas for only $1.89 a gallon. This calls for a peanut butter cup.

2:03PM - Saw gas going for $1.66. Had I gone there I totally could have has a whole pack of peanut butter cups.

4:19PM - Just got thru security at San Antonio airport. After scrambling to get my stuff off of the butt kickng conveyor belt, I tried to get out of everyones way. One problem: a blonde diva lacing up her stiletto boots with her baggage directly in the walking path. I gently scooted it over with my foot and went on thru. Her boyfriend Guido says to her (rather loudly mind you) "hey, did you see her kick your bag?"

What I wanted to do? "I know you aren't talking about me Guido. Because if you are you need to think before you open your maw,Guido. If her crap hadn't been obstructing the path of EVERY OTHER PASSENGER Guido, then we wouldn't have had to scoot it out of the way. Clear things up for you Guido? Great. Have a nice day."

What I did? Gave the glare of death (which I doubt he even noticed) and kept on my merry way.

4:30pm- I hate waiting for planes.

4:31pm- Thinking of hunting down Guido and Diva just to give him the strong arm. Maybe ill just go and buy an entertainment magazine.

4:39PM - There is a middle aged man arguing with who could only be his father, that he adamantly did not want to go to Tae-Kwon-Do.

4:43 - A woman in the magazine shop was asking where she could buy a lollipop with a scorpion inside. This could be for one of three things:

1) For when the kids act up. Nothing shuts a tantrum up quicker than the threat of eating a sugar coated scorpion.
2) For her scorned lover.
3) Because that is just one of the creepy things San Antonio is known for. Their schtick if you will.

4:45PM- Bought 3 magazines. I left the last three I bought on the plane coming here. And really, as a magazine junkie, what is worse than leaving unread magazines behind? Buying a magazine and realizing you have already read it. And paid a sick newsstand price. Twice.

4:52PM- Want to hear something craptastic? Instead of automatically upgrading people out of the KINDNESS OF THEIR COLD, COLD HEARTS, Air Tran will charge you $49-$99 at the gate if you want a better seat in business class. Otherwise they just go empty.

4:53pm- Woman with the annoying "Jenny from the block" ringtone is unabashedly taking glamour shots of herself. Here. In the airport.

4:56pm- Per the overhead announcement. Woman driving the silver Impala? Parked unattended in front of the airport? You are dumb. Not sure if you have ever heard of a little act called "towing" or "parking in the parking garage like the rest of us schmoe's", but if you lose your car to a desolate tow yard, it's your own fault. (I can talk all that smack because I have been to a far-away, scary tow yard...in Newark freaking New Jersey)

4:59pm- Jenny from the block needs to settle on a ringtone already. And there is a guy with a rolling suitcase that sounds like a very realistic fart.

5:02pm- Hey dude across the room all dressed in a suit and looking all important and stuff? I can totally hear the Metallica pulsing through your earbuds.

5:06PM- Lots of people on their laptops. Wonder if any are blogging. Me? I'm blogging on my Blackberry. Talk about girl who needs a laptop!

5:13pm- weather report for Pittsburgh per the loud cellphone guy to my left? Tomorrow is nice. Rest of the weekend? Sucks.

5:14pm- There is a woman with a baggage tag the size of Kansas on her mini tote, with her entire address on it. Would it be weird to write her a letter saying "I saw you in the airport...boo!"

5:16pm- starving.

5:18pm- Woman across from me with knitting needles. Can't those be used as weapons of not-so-mass destruction?

5:39pm- On the plane. Smart enough to get a seat with no one next to me so that nothing (re-tomato barf juice) is spilled on me.

5:41pm- time to turn blackberry off for now lest I get bum rushed and thrown in a scary south texan jail.

5:45pm- so yeah. That thing I said? About having the seat next to me free? Haha, just joking. Instead I got an armrest stealer who sounds like he us two hacks away from losing a lung into his lap. Wonderful.

6:54- Decided to take a nap after reading about the love affair between Brad and Angie sent me into a comatose state.

Ever twitch when you fall asleep? (called a 'hypnic jerk' I have learned). I tend to do this except mine looks more like a hypnotized seizure on display at a mid-west seance. Rather twitchy. And rather embarassing when on display for an entire aircraft full of people. Mr. Hot pilot has gotten used to this with me, but even he gets freaked out every now and then. I did it the other night and he suddenly shouts "Holy Crap dude, are you alright?"

Yep. Sorry about that elbow.

7:01- That diet coke is lingering awfully close to the edge there buddy. Better rethink your placement lest you get an elbow to the lung.

7:03- Ok seriously. I don't want to be a jerk (a 'hypnic jerk') but I really hate any sort of contact with other passengers, even if it is only an elbow (or muffin top depending on your size). However I do plan on winning domain over the arm rest with Mr. Moldy Lung next to me. I show no mercy!

7:06- The foot stink is beginning to overwhelm me.

7:15pm- Showing no mercy with Mr. Tuberculosis lung. The armrest will be mine!

7:57pm- My arm is now asleep, but I am still inching my way to victory. His greatest defense? Those ripe and rancid feet. Barf!

8:24pm- Overheard from a dude behind me with a SERIOUS southern accent. "if you keel 'em early like a sack 'o taters too early, you gotta carry 'em around all day. But I just shot one clear through the heed and got the next one too". Wow.

9:03pm- An hour till my connecting flight. I'm gonna hit up Ben and jerry's. Then I might start a diet tomorrow.



  1. This was very entertaining to read :) Flying is always an adventure, huh? :)

    Also - I too am a size 5 1/2 ring! Although you wouldn't guess it because I'm not petite (I'm 5'11''). And I am probably the worst person with hypnic jerks. I do it at least 5 times while falling asleep. Husband hates it!

  2. Airport security is scary. Last time I went through the metal detector, the staff guy at the end of the belt was staring at my iPod.
    "What's this all about?" he asked.
    "Um, it's an iPod," I said.
    "Just making sure," he replied.
    He'll never know it was a bomb.


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