Beginning of a serious mental decline

I have alzheimers disease. Ok, so I might not have been diagnosed by a professional or anything but I do believe that after looking over the article "The Seven Signs of Alzheimers Disease" that I have found out what my issue is. Here are those seven signs :

1. Asking the same question over and over again.

I am great at this. Don't answer my question with an answer I like? I'll ask you again and again until you cave under the pressure and give me what I want.

2. Repeating the same story, word for word, again and again.

I do tend to do this - alot. Either I talk way more than the average female should (insert joke about female yappage here) and I just forget who I told my HIGH-larious stories to, or I genuinely just haven't paid attention enough to realize that I have told you that story about the time my dad tricked me into drying my face with a poop towel about twelve hundred times. And I will still be just as excited to tell you the twelve hundredth time as I was the first. (And don't be alarmed if I happen to refer to you as "what's his face")

3. Forgetting how to cook, or how to make repairs, or how to play cards — activities that were previously done with ease and regularity.

Ok. I totally have no idea how to repair that squeaky belt under the hood of my car; can't for the life of me prepare creme brulee or play a good hand of Texas hold'em. We all know how I used to leap tall buildings with a single bound with the ease of a Unicorn carrying president-elect Barack Obama for crying out loud. And now what? I can barely fix a decent bowl of cereal for Munchkin in the morning.

4. Losing one's ability to pay bills or balance one's checkbook.

Wait...I forgot if I ever had this ability.

5. Getting lost in familiar surroundings, or misplacing household objects.

It is a daily battle trying to locate my car in the parking garage after a long day at work. So many times have I gotten off the elevator at what I thought was the correct floor, only turn right around and step back on in order to ride the elevator up and down and randomly press my 'PANIC' button and try to follow the weak sounds of my car's alarm. And keys? Or anything else of remote importance? Lets just say the majority of my cardio workouts consist of me running up and down the stairs in a frantic search each morning before leaving for work.

6. Neglecting to bathe, or wearing the same clothes over and over again, while insisting that they have taken a bath or that their clothes are still clean.

Hello, I wear pink scrubs nearly every single day. Look in my closet and you'd think I was a cartoon character.

7. Relying on someone else, such as a spouse, to make decisions or answer questions they previously would have handled themselves.

Not sure if you want Subway or Quiznos? I am SO not the person to ask. When faced with being the one to make a decision I freeze on contact, my mind goes blank and I begin referring to you as "what's his face".

Ahh, the beginning of the end.

Emptied My SPAM Box and All I Got Was This Stupid Diet Pill

I am infinitely amused by the awesomness that crams my SPAM box. Thanks to Gmail, I don't have to sort through loads of crap in my regular email (save for the lovely "Fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:You are my grrrl and I love you!-NOW FORWARD THIS BACK lest you be plagued with a thousand and two nights of night sweats, three years of constipation, ten years of poor eyesight and three stray cats" from that old high school buddy you haven't seen in 12 years).

Of course today is Saturday which to me means time to clean out the SPAM box. Here are a few highlights from the subject lines of my SPAM:


Shake all you want and nothing will ever fall out. (Even if I shake it like a polaroid picture?)

Wiping good off the shelves (lord knows we don't want any good hanging around our shelves. That is just bad housekeeping!)

Don't let your tiny male problem grow into a disaster

Cindy McCain cheats her husband (what is even better about this one is that the sender? Says "me".)

No Surgery! Enhance your PE by simply taking our new preparation! (Not too sure what my "PE" is exactly...)

Abbey National Online Banking - Identity Update (because I wasn't really sure who I was. No worries, they will give me the scoop.)

Did you know your breath can calm you down? (And by calm you down we mean knock your butt out with its onion-tuna nastiness)

Don't forget your enhancers when going to the party (Lord knows you don't want the ladies thinking you are a wet noodle)

Acknowledged Scotch knows Bag the telephone (Really? Well LA-DI-Dah! (Name dropper))

A Maslercard invitation (Oh? Why I feel so priveledged. I had heard of Mastercard but Maslercard? Must be my lucky day!)

Your RESUME passed the contest and we suggest you work for our COMPANY (Yeah...I think I'll pass thanks.)

And of course my favorite:

Diarrhea : Best treatment options

Now its your turn. What kind of indescribable lunacy fills up your SPAM box?

Birthday probe

Nearly one month ago was my mom's 2nd 26th birthday. As usual there was dining out, gifts and cards to be enjoyed by her. When you have had to raise three awesome and crazy kids and one husband who needs to be raised right along with them, you pretty much deserve an awesome birthday each year.

My mom's health insurance company thought so too.

I came downstairs this morning to find a "happy birthday" of sorts sitting on the kitchen counter from Kaiser Permanente. I saw the words "Happy birthday" and "birthday month" which of course made me think "wow, what a cool insurance company". Then I saw the true reason for the festive correspondence.

TIME TO SCHEDULE YOUR COLONOSCOPY.

Wow. What a way to poop on your birthday month. What a way to ruin all the joy and festivities you enjoyed.

I had toyed around with scanning the document in and posting it here since it really would have made your day, however there is this little federal law called HIPAA which tends to ruin fun things like leakage of personal protected health information. Whatever.

I then thought back to other fun things that have happened on peoples birthdays. Including my last birthday.

It was the first birthday I had spent with Mr. Hot Pilot and Munchkin. I was down in Texas enjoying what seemed to be a somewhat normal afternoon. Normal that is until Munchkin decided it was time for his daily constitutional, and by constitutional I mean losing half his body weight down a plumbing-challenged toilet. I heard the multiple flushes but didn't really think anything of it. It wasn't until I heard the little voice calling "Daddy? I need help..." that I thought maybe something might be up.

Then I heard Mr. Hot Pilot yell as though he saw a poop monster half eating our little Munchkin.

I stayed put. I'm no dummy.

Apparently my sitting perfectly still on the couch, not so much as BREATHING didn't do much for hiding myself. I should have jumped in the car and headed to Wal-Mart (no where else to run to really). Mr. Hot Pilot promptly sent Munchkin to his room and asked me if I might come and assist him in cleaning up a mess. A poop mess. (There seems to be a theme of poop going on here in my posts...I should look into that).

I walked into the main bathroom and there before me was a sea of toilet water flowing into the tub room, around the bend into the master bathroom and directly into the master bedroom. Sweet. Mr. Hot Pilot then proceeded to pull every towel, blanket and comforter out of rooms and closets to sop up the mess. I sort of stood there for a second and did the only thing I could possibly do.

I laughed my birthday booty off. Seriously, grow up in my family and anything having to do with a bodily function will elicit that exact reaction.

For the next hour or so we mopped and sopped while Munchkin was keeping watch of things from underneath his bedroom door. Every so often I'd see part of a Transformer or a little 6 year old finger poke out below as if to remind us he was still in captivity.

Finally we called maintenance to come in with an industrial poop sucker-upper (aka- a wet/dry vac) and pretty soon all was well. Munchkin was sprung from his prison and I was left with the question by Mr. Hot Pilot

"So what are you making us for dinner tonight?".

Happy birthday.

Complete with tears of joy and prancing unicorns of justice

Because I have been a little bummed over the past couple of days following the election of Barack Obama as our next president, I decided to give myself a day off of my shopping moratorium and go and turn my hard earned money into things I really don't need at my local Target.

On my way there I was listening to the radio when I heard a report about a nudist group down in Florida that are pressing for a nude voting precinct in their area. Because that is super important and stuff.

My boyfriend and I have a long-standing debate over which state has the weirdest and scariest news stories occurring - his home state of Florida, or my home state of Maryland. So far I believe that I am winning by an Obama-esque landslide complete with tears of pride from people who are "finally proud of their country". (Excuse me while I go throw up a little)

So the news story goes like this:

"People at the upscale, clothing-optional Caliente Resorts off U.S. 41 want to establish the first clothing-optional polling place in the country. Most voters who live at Caliente exercise their rights at a nearby subdivision, where clothing isn't optional.

There's no concrete data on how many nudists live in the area, but state Sen. Victor Crist has estimated that Pasco County has 12,000 "nude votes."

The resort wants to make it easier for Caliente residents and members of the surrounding nudist community to vote, said Caliente spokeswoman Angye Fox."

(So I take it it is exponentially difficult for these nudists to throw on some clothes in order to go and vote...an action that takes place ONCE EVERY 2-4 YEARS.)

"State law wouldn't prohibit a clothing-optional polling station, said Jennifer Davis, a spokeswoman for the secretary of state's office.

"That would be up to the local supervisor," she said.

Corley has more pressing concerns these days, though – such as preparing for Tuesday's election."

Who do you think these clothing-avoidant folks voted for?

So Obama won....

But this is what made me happy.

The 80's are back, just in time for the election!

I came across these gems while perusing ebay looking for crap that I don't need.

As of right now, Sarah Palin is fetching $9600 while that hot old man, Joe Biden, is only fetching $710. Imagine that!




Here is snazzy Joe Biden sporting his wannabe VP best :




And how could you make such cool dolls of the veeps and completely forget about the celebrity presidential hopeful Mr. Barry himself :




And last but certainly not least, here is Sen. McCain looking decidedly dapper and just about the best he has ever looked :



**Update - 11/8/08 - In case you were wondering (and you know you were) Mrs. Palin ended up going for around $19,000! That is freaking CRAZY. Also, all four dolls were won by the same person. Hmm...wonder if they are going to "spread the wealth" around maybe?**

Maybe kitten kicker was a bit much

When asked by a "youth" why Obama isn't the best choice, I told him "Because, Obama kicks kittens".

Ok. Maybe this was a bit much. Besides, my efforts were not even directed in the appropriate direction as this "youth" can't vote. As in he has about 10 more years until he can vote. Sigh.

Instead I should have sought out an on-the-fencer of appropriate voting age, and when asked "Why is Obama the most ridiculously wrong choice it is laughable not the best choice for America?" I should reply in this manner.

Because Obama will kick your bank account until it cracks open, spilling its wonderful contents, and then proceed to spread it around.

**It is sad that I have to say this, however if you are going to comment, I need you to identify yourself. Anonymous comments WILL NOT be accepted. If you have a strong enough opinion on what is going on, you should be proud to stand up and support your ideas no matter what they are. I am interested in opinions from all sides. Thanks! -Charm City Chica**

Everyone loves a free ride

So tomorrow is the big day for many...election day! While I am both nervous and excited (seems to be the way I feel about alot of things recently) about what the outcome might be, at least I can take a trip around town and collect some lovely freebies before I am taxed to the point of having to find a comfortable refrigerator box to live in on the streets of Baltimore.

Here are a few of the awesome places trying to sweeten the deal on voting :

Come into any Starbucks on November 4th and let your fabulous barista know that you voted (for McCain) and they will "proudly serve you a tall cup of coffee...on them". Not into coffee? Well then I'm fairly sure you must be into doughnuts right? Lucky for you, you can instead head on over to Krispy Kreme!
Be sure to don your "I voted" (for McCain) sticker in a visible area (your forehead should suffice) and at participating locations (re - the one you have to drive furthest to) will give you a free doughnut. So now you have your free coffee and doughnut...but what about dessert? Well just head your fine self over to Ben and Jerrys between 5pm and 8pm and you will receive a free scoop of ice cream. I of course would suggest something of the chocolate and peanut butter variety, but of course this is a democracy (or at least will be unless Obama sucker punches his way into the oval office) and you can choose what you prefer. Of course my favorite is the free Chick-fil-a sandwich for voting. If your local restaurant is participating, head on over to pick up a free original chicken sandwich on November 4th. Again, be sure to wear that spiffy sticker you get for voting (for McCain).


I do hope you all get up bright and early and go vote. No matter who you vote for - the dude who will pick your pockets dry or the dude who will protect our military - it is one of the most important things we can do as Americans.

What all women desire during nights...

I was clearing out my spam box today when I came across an email with the subject "Update Request" and the line "What all women desire during nights". Instead of risking the healthy (re - actually functioning) future of my computer and clicking on the attached site, I decided to ponder just what it is that I request and desire during nights. (Right about now my mother and father who both frequent this blog are probably doing one of two things : 1) hitting the back button as quickly as they possibly can or 2) turning bright red, looking around and reading further out of morbid curiosity).

No worries though. I have a cleaner perspective on what I desire out of my night. And here they are :

1) My dog is weird. I think we have established that here and here. On occasion in the middle of the night, Lucy will wake me from a dead sleep with high pitched crying and kicking (yes, KICKING) of the wall for a drink of water. Recently however she has been wanting more and more water so that after I have gotten myself back to sleep, she wakes me up again with both the kicking, crying AND tossing of water dish into the wall. What a baby.

So what do I desire on these nights? An automatic water dish for my spoiled little dog.

2) I like my bedroom cold at night when I sleep. I love to snuggle under my squishy down comforter and find all of those super cold spots in the sheets. There is a problem with this however. My boyfriend is a supremely hot (temperature and otherwise) Puerto Rican who likes to keep the temperature in the house near 80 degrees. On the weeks that I am down in the third world country he calls home, we tend to have thermostat wars - and by wars I mean I sneak the temp down to 74 and then he catches me and cranks it back up to the point where it is so hot I can barely breathe. In other words, he always wins. ALWAYS.

What is it I desire on these nights? A cold bed and warm man.

3) I have gotten myself used to sleeping with the white noise of a fan for quite some time now. It all began back when I lived in a noisier part of town and was used to all of the traffic driving by my bedroom window at night. Strangely enough, when I moved back in with my parents I had trouble sleeping in their extremely silent house. I remedied this problem by running a fan at night - giving me both a colder room and the white noise I needed.

Back to my super-hot Mr. Hot Pilot.

Mr. Hot Pilot is a pilot (hence his name). His sleep is obviously quite precious to him, especially on the eve of a day of flying. Mr. Hot Pilot has gotten quite used to a supremely silent room at night. So while he has no problem falling asleep, I have a huge problem doing so. And so here is our solution (seriously, I kid you not...here goes...)

What do I desire during these silent nights? My hot pilot to snore.

I know. I can't believe it either, but sometimes in relationships you must compromise.

I'm fairly certain that had I opened that saucy message that not only would I have been taken to a world of clothing challenged folks who know "just what I want" but I would have also infected my computer in the way that a freshman girl looking to make lots of "friends" infects her latest victim.



So what do you desire "during the nights"?

Day 1 of NaBloPoMo

Today is the first day of writing one blog per day for a month. I'm both excited and slightly intimidated by such a prospect. Am I excited? Yep. Am I nervous? Heck yeah! Did I eat all of the Reece's peanut butter cups out of the halloween candy bowl? You'd better believe it!

Some days may be boring and useless blurbs, while others may be humorous, fascinating or downright anger inducing. You be the judge.

As for today, I am going to leave you with a belated halloween photo of a rather awesome pumpkin from up in the TRU.

Consider this a happy belated halloween or the earliest Happy Halloween 2009 of the year.